Lately I've found myself wondering what most everyone wonders from time to time.... where do I fit in? Every time I move to a new place I wonder if this is the place God wants me to be for the long term, or is this just a stop along the journey?
We've been checking out different churches and I've been checking out different mom's groups and bible studies and this question continues to spin in my head, do I fit in here? Should I fit in here? What do I need to do to fit in here? Is changing parts of me really going to make me "fit in" or am I fooling myself?
I look back on the past few years of my life and I realized I've been trying way way too hard to fit into a culture that I don't fit into. I am not a woman who cares if I have perfect hair or designer clothes, I am happy if my hair is clean and I wear clothes that I like regardless of the label. I am not a hipster, but I love the music most listen to. I am not a super hippie gal, but I do enjoy helping our family eat healthy. I am not an awesome crafter or decorator, but I do love to sew with what stitches I know and decorate when I get the chance. I am not super mom, but I try my best every day.
I've decided that I am okay with being Kristine. I'm okay with being a person who: loves learning about new technology, who has a million craft projects she wants to do, is kinda okay at the guitar but really just loves to sing with others, tries hard to be a good mom, wants to hike...even though we never get the chance, who enjoys meeting new people and hearing about their lives, loves to cook and longs to travel and learn about other cultures among other things. I'm okay with not being the best or the thinnest or the prettiest one in the room. I'm okay with often being the quietest one in the room, it means I like to listen and get to know others. Yes I am human, and yes I do get my feelings hurt, but I think I've decided to just be me. :)
Out of all the crowds I've been with, I think where I've fit in the most and felt the most at home has been with my missionary friends. My heart still longs to live overseas and to help spread the gospel there. It sounds crazy to people that I've met here, I mean why would I want to give up this culture and everything I own to move my family to an unfamiliar place? I've found over the years that it is in in those countries, that I feel like I fit in the most. Where I feel like I am home. It doesn't make sense to those who "fit in" and feel called to serve in this culture and that's okay.
I know that the Lord gave me the desire to serve overseas for a reason. With everything that's happened in the past year with us getting into MAF yet needing to take a step back, it's been hard to see where God wants our family in the future. Yes, that's been discouraging, but I think it's exactly what I need to rely on His timing even more in my life. I don't have all the answers....heck I don't know ANY of the answers...but I know that God has an even better plan in mind. He gave me the desire to serve overseas for a reason and in His timing that will happen. I just need to be patient, be open and be honest in the mean time to be able to grow. I need to stop trying to figure it out and just live life for God. To be able to be the best person I can be here for God whether I feel I "fit in" or not. The only place I'll ever truly fit in is when I am worshiping my God in Heaven, and I am okay with that. :)